use the potty, boy!

when ruby was born, rain started displaying some classic terrible two (and new big brother) behavior. i felt lost when it came to disciplining since nothing seemed to phase him. i started reading two books i had been eying for a while. peaceful parent, happy kids: how to stop yelling and start connecting (i don't yell often, but i love dr. markham's parenting style and website) and unconditional parenting: moving from rewards and punishment to love and reason. 5 months later, i haven't finished either one, but alfie kohn's argument against rewards and punishments (this includes time-outs and some wordings of verbal praise) is so compelling that i want to cut out the few that i use immediately. problem is, i haven't read the end of the book so sometimes i'm not sure what the alternative is! so rain has no boundaries, complete freedom, until i finish the book and figure it out. just kidding. but seriously, i do silently panic (we're ruining him!) every time i reach the end of my rope and send him to his room, hear haj bribe him or his jammie (maria) tell him he's such a good boy. haj sees it in my face, gives me an exasperated eye roll, and i try to curb my anxiety for the time being.

i was going somewhere with this... potty training.

up until recently, rain had no interest whatsoever in using the potty. when i would gently suggest trying underwear, there would be tears. i've already tried to reason and shame him into underwear to no avail. since we've been trying not to bribe him (especially with food), we're forced to do this potty training thing at his pace. we offer encouragement and provide the opportunity every day. it seems to be a two-steps forward, one-step back kind of process.

today i had a weak moment while changing his poopy diaper (at this point, it's like changing an adult poo). rain asks for sweets all day/every day so why wouldn't he try while getting his butt wiped? he asked for chocolate. i took the opportunity to bribe him with food, thinking it would be worth it if this was the last of his poo i would ever have to wrap up in a diaper.

me: you can have chocolate when you poop in the potty! i'll make you chocolate chocolate chip cookies

rain: when mommy poops in the potty, i'll make mommy chock-wet chip cookies. that would be nice for mommy. 

me: no rain. when you poop in the potty.
rain: no mommy. you poop and i give you chock-wet and me chock-wet.

so it seems bribes won't work for this kid anyway when it comes to potty training... nor reason, shame, new underwear, the excitement of flushing, watching his buddy go, and countless other tricks. numerous moms have told me 3 is a normal age for boys to potty-train. for now, i guess that is comforting. he stopped breastfeeding and started sleeping through the night, mostly on his own, so i know that there will be a time when he is ready to poo in the potty. hopefully...

4 months

plus a couple weeks...

i've been meaning to post photos, but haven't been able to stay awake at night to do it. she's definitely been waking up more (at least 3 times) during the night these past few weeks and i'm feeling it.

with rain, i was so careful with caffeine. i only treated myself to half a cup of coffee once in a while even though i love everything about coffee. the taste, smell, heat (still drink hot even in hot weather), and of course the effect... i haven't been so careful with ruby. i feel guilty pumping caffeine into her via boob, but i feel like a better mother when i have it. i think rain appreciates those couple hours of energy it gives me. so i've compromised with myself and drink a cup of black tea every day instead. stash organic breakfast blend and tulsi india breakfast are my favorites at the moment. around noon, i hit my wall and the rest of the day, i'm just surviving.

anyway, back to ruby.

it's hard to make rain stop jumping by her head when she thinks it's this funny!

she is cute. like really really cute. just a smiley, happy, marshmallow bunny, roly-poly, love bug. she has a strong resemblance to yoda (according to my mom and some teenage boys), but we won't talk about her ears. i don't want to give her a complex. she loves to be on the floor. she loves rain. she loves rain's toys. she's always finding a way to roll to the nearest pile of rain's toys and get her mouth on a truck. i let her enjoy it for a second while i cringe thinking about the bpa filled chinese plastic and the dirt it was just rolling through an hour ago. when my concerns for her health and developement become too overwhelming, i take it away and pass her one of her toys. preferably natural rubber and made in the u.s. or europe. she has fun for a moment and then rolls off her blanket the other way to chew on the carpet fringe that collects all the dust. she's a determined little bruiser (in the most feminine way). i don't remember rain being this mobile at her age.

i continue to use her bouncer when i need to keep her contained while i do something in the kitchen. although, i'm pretty sure this means she already outgrew it...

and this is why i can't leave her alone for more than a minute...

she acquired both of these skills just before she turned 4 months. i think she's physically advanced. or just wild.

yesterday

rain is all boy. trucks and trains, trucks and trains, trucks and trains... "with sharp teeths that hurts peoples" of course. i have no idea how he came up with 'hurt peoples". im hoping it's just normal boy behavior?

oh ruby, those floppy ears... i love them. haj's ma, maria said his sister had the same ears when she was a baby. a little old japanese woman at the grocery store took one look at them and said, "big ears. smart!" aiyana is pretty much a genius so i have no doubt ruby will be too. obviously.

we like to dangle toys over ruby and watch her bat at them like a cat.

ruby doesn't mind tummy time as much anymore. she can now roll over onto her back which still thrills me every time. sometimes she only makes it halfway over and it takes everything in me not to immediately help her the rest of the way. her grunting struggle to swing her leg over can be a little painful to watch. kinda like a bug on its back.

if you are seeing more of ruby than rain here, it's because rain only lets me take photos of his back. (that, and infants change much more weekly than 2 year olds do). rain does not like having his picture taken. however, yesterday he was surprisingly cooperative. he does like playing photographer with my old canon elph which happens to be just his size.

talk to me ruby baby! i have yet to capture her wide open mouth smile but these cooing grins never fail to make my heart flutter.

on being a mother

i never had any real career aspirations. sure, there were things i enjoyed doing but i thought of them more as hobbies. college was hard for me because i was never working towards anything i was excited about. i always thought, if i figure out what i really want to do, i can get through this school thing. but none of the possibilites seemed like more than just a way to get by and make money so i could stop working someday. 

i didn't grow up imagining my perfect wedding or the house i would live in. having children was the only consistent dream i had for my future. i was always excited to have my own family. i couldn't wait to be a mom, but i thought there was something wrong with that. i thought i should want more for myself. 

now that i have these two, i know being a mom is enough for me. i feel at peace. this is my purpose. i'm where i'm supposed to be. sure, some days are rough and redundant, but the moments of joy make those excruciating times worth it. my children are my passion and anything else i do will be just a side gig.

one month

ruby bloom is one month old today...

it's crazy how fast newborns change. i swear i can almost see her growing by the second. every morning i wake up and think, wow you look different.

honestly, i wasn't super excited for the newborn stage. a bunch of our friends just had babies and i thought they were adorable, but i didn't leave wishing i could take one home to hold all day. it sounded exhausting and inconvenient. well, it's both and also wonderful. i love cuddling her all day. rain has progressively become less snuggly. she came just in time.

i'm trying to soak up this age. she may be my last. when i would start to feel nostalgic with rain, it was comforting to know i would get to do it all over again. now i don't have that. 

rain constantly asks ruby, "why are you so mad?" the crease on her nose does make her look a little grumpy. even haj and i joke that she's always angry.  hopefully she'll lose that reputation as her nose grows into her skin.

this no sleep thing is much easier this time.  i guess nothing is as shocking the second time around.

some of those newborn tricks didn't come back to me right away. it took way to long to figure out how to put her down without waking her. she needs to be in a deep sleep. she can't be making any dream noises, fluttering her eyelids or flashing sleep smiles. she needs to be completely limp. arms dangling!

i don't think babies are supposed to be able to intentionally smile in the first month, but i'm almost positive i made ruby smile twice a few days ago :)

rain calls her "ruby balloon". i'm not sure if it's because he can't say bloom or somehow misheard us. now he just thinks he's funny and i think he's adorable.

nana and papa visit

my mom and stepdad arrived a week after ruby was born. it was perfect timing. i was just beginning to feel a little overwhelmed and my mom swooped in to do all of the dishes, laundry and a few cleaning projects around the house. she also made sure i had an opportunity to nap during the day. they spent most of their days entertaining rain and cuddling ruby. i felt so spoiled. i think we all did. rain was just stoked to finally play with his nana and papa in person after talking to them on a screen for the past year and a half.

since i just had a baby, we spent a lot of time in the house. there's so much to see on this island. i felt like jeff and my mom were missing out by not going on an adventure every day, but they insisted spending time together as a family was their priority. they did go to volcano on their own and we all managed to get out and do a few things together...

ruby's first experience outside the gollestani compound, a hike in kaloko.

waipio valley.

the hardest part of living in hawaii is being so far away from family. i'm counting down the days until our trip to mn!

big brother

while i was pregnant, rain and i talked about what it would be like to have a baby around. we laughed together making funny faces and noises that a newborn would make. he knew that the baby would eat, sleep, poop, and maybe cry a lot.  i also made sure that he understood the baby would need me. sometimes i wouldn't be able to hold him when he wanted me to and sometimes i would need his help. even though rain seemed positive about having a sibling during my pregnancy, i was a little worried about how he would feel once the baby was actually here.

turns out, i had nothing to fear. he has been amazing. he is so sweet and gentle with her. he always asks to give her kisses and wants to touch and hold her. when she cries, he acts genuinely concerned and asks me to help her. he never gets upset when i have to interrupt story time or play time to attend to ruby's needs. sure he has his moments when he wants me to hold him and i can't but it never turns into a big thing.

this transition has been relatively easy mostly because of his dad. haj is a great dad. rain has always been his priority and he is so attentive and present with him. his work and our lifestyle have allowed him to be physically around more than most dads. since ruby's birth, haj has spent even more time with rain. he has solely taken over the activities we used to do together such as going to the park and beach or running errands. he has even taken him to work! it's no surprise that rain has become really attached to haj. he was becoming daddy's boy before ruby was born, but now he is daddy's boy. haj has been the only person rain's become possessive of. he doesn't want haj to hold ruby for very long and will tell him to give her to me, "she needs boob". when we explain to him that only one of us can help him with something because ruby needs us too, he always chooses daddy. choosing daddy for anything used to be a welcome relief for me. now that he chooses him every time, it hurts.

i think i've had a harder time adjusting than rain has. it feels like rain and my relationship changed over night. there's this distance between us now and it's kinda heartbreaking. he was quickly becoming more independent from me before ruby was born, but now suddenly he hardly needs me at all. i know i should be grateful that he doesn't need me to sing him to sleep and lets daddy put him to bed. but that kind of stuff kills me. i feel like there has been too many times already that i have had to choose ruby's needs over rain's and i can only hope that this new separation from me isn't some form of resentment. my greatest fear is that he feels less important to me. less loved. 

i know ruby's schedule will become more predictable and we will find balance over time.  in spite of my raging hormones, i'm trying not to feel guilty or take things too personally and just be thankful for how easily rain adapted to our new family dynamic.