one month

ruby bloom is one month old today...

it's crazy how fast newborns change. i swear i can almost see her growing by the second. every morning i wake up and think, wow you look different.

honestly, i wasn't super excited for the newborn stage. a bunch of our friends just had babies and i thought they were adorable, but i didn't leave wishing i could take one home to hold all day. it sounded exhausting and inconvenient. well, it's both and also wonderful. i love cuddling her all day. rain has progressively become less snuggly. she came just in time.

i'm trying to soak up this age. she may be my last. when i would start to feel nostalgic with rain, it was comforting to know i would get to do it all over again. now i don't have that. 

rain constantly asks ruby, "why are you so mad?" the crease on her nose does make her look a little grumpy. even haj and i joke that she's always angry.  hopefully she'll lose that reputation as her nose grows into her skin.

this no sleep thing is much easier this time.  i guess nothing is as shocking the second time around.

some of those newborn tricks didn't come back to me right away. it took way to long to figure out how to put her down without waking her. she needs to be in a deep sleep. she can't be making any dream noises, fluttering her eyelids or flashing sleep smiles. she needs to be completely limp. arms dangling!

i don't think babies are supposed to be able to intentionally smile in the first month, but i'm almost positive i made ruby smile twice a few days ago :)

rain calls her "ruby balloon". i'm not sure if it's because he can't say bloom or somehow misheard us. now he just thinks he's funny and i think he's adorable.

nana and papa visit

my mom and stepdad arrived a week after ruby was born. it was perfect timing. i was just beginning to feel a little overwhelmed and my mom swooped in to do all of the dishes, laundry and a few cleaning projects around the house. she also made sure i had an opportunity to nap during the day. they spent most of their days entertaining rain and cuddling ruby. i felt so spoiled. i think we all did. rain was just stoked to finally play with his nana and papa in person after talking to them on a screen for the past year and a half.

since i just had a baby, we spent a lot of time in the house. there's so much to see on this island. i felt like jeff and my mom were missing out by not going on an adventure every day, but they insisted spending time together as a family was their priority. they did go to volcano on their own and we all managed to get out and do a few things together...

ruby's first experience outside the gollestani compound, a hike in kaloko.

waipio valley.

the hardest part of living in hawaii is being so far away from family. i'm counting down the days until our trip to mn!

big brother

while i was pregnant, rain and i talked about what it would be like to have a baby around. we laughed together making funny faces and noises that a newborn would make. he knew that the baby would eat, sleep, poop, and maybe cry a lot.  i also made sure that he understood the baby would need me. sometimes i wouldn't be able to hold him when he wanted me to and sometimes i would need his help. even though rain seemed positive about having a sibling during my pregnancy, i was a little worried about how he would feel once the baby was actually here.

turns out, i had nothing to fear. he has been amazing. he is so sweet and gentle with her. he always asks to give her kisses and wants to touch and hold her. when she cries, he acts genuinely concerned and asks me to help her. he never gets upset when i have to interrupt story time or play time to attend to ruby's needs. sure he has his moments when he wants me to hold him and i can't but it never turns into a big thing.

this transition has been relatively easy mostly because of his dad. haj is a great dad. rain has always been his priority and he is so attentive and present with him. his work and our lifestyle have allowed him to be physically around more than most dads. since ruby's birth, haj has spent even more time with rain. he has solely taken over the activities we used to do together such as going to the park and beach or running errands. he has even taken him to work! it's no surprise that rain has become really attached to haj. he was becoming daddy's boy before ruby was born, but now he is daddy's boy. haj has been the only person rain's become possessive of. he doesn't want haj to hold ruby for very long and will tell him to give her to me, "she needs boob". when we explain to him that only one of us can help him with something because ruby needs us too, he always chooses daddy. choosing daddy for anything used to be a welcome relief for me. now that he chooses him every time, it hurts.

i think i've had a harder time adjusting than rain has. it feels like rain and my relationship changed over night. there's this distance between us now and it's kinda heartbreaking. he was quickly becoming more independent from me before ruby was born, but now suddenly he hardly needs me at all. i know i should be grateful that he doesn't need me to sing him to sleep and lets daddy put him to bed. but that kind of stuff kills me. i feel like there has been too many times already that i have had to choose ruby's needs over rain's and i can only hope that this new separation from me isn't some form of resentment. my greatest fear is that he feels less important to me. less loved. 

i know ruby's schedule will become more predictable and we will find balance over time.  in spite of my raging hormones, i'm trying not to feel guilty or take things too personally and just be thankful for how easily rain adapted to our new family dynamic.

ruby bloom's birth story

i was due on march 17th. i had my last appointment on monday the 25th with my midwife, amy. at the end of my pregnancy she started asking if i felt ready for the baby to come. during my last few appointments, i told her i didn't really feel like it was time. haj and i were trying to finish up a few projects around the house and just like my pregnancy with rain, i didn't feel overly uncomfortable. i didn't feel any rush to have my baby or any anxiety about going past my date besides the impending cut-off date for having a homebirth. rain was 2 weeks late so i felt like my baby was fine and just needed more time. but at this appointment, i finally felt ready. after my last appointment, i had to go for an NST at the hospital to make sure my baby was okay. we just weren't getting any heart accelerations that amy liked to see, but the baby behaved perfectly for the nurse at the hospital. even though i knew my baby was fine, i let my mind run wild with worse-case scenarios (mostly that i wouldn't get the homebirth i wanted so badly) before we got to the hospital and left still feeling a little uneasy. i wanted my baby to come before something else had the chance to threaten my birth plans. so i started willing the baby to come out, mentally giving permission for my body to let go. i told amy that this time i was ready. she told me she wouldn't be surprised if the baby came very soon because there is a connection between mentality and birth time. after weighing me, she was a little surprised to see me drop a pound and a half. i googled weight loss at home and found it could be a sign of my approaching birth time!

that night i had a lot of energy and stayed up super late trying to fix my broken ipods and load the hypnobabies playlists i would need during my birth time. i had been using the hypnobabies home study to prepare for my birth. at first i was diligent about practicing exactly what was suggested every week, but after a few weeks i started to slack. i didn't practice entering hypnosis multiple times during the day or even at all. i didn't listen to each track consciously once. all i did was listen to a track when i got into bed and it put me to sleep within 5 minutes. they say that it's okay if you fall asleep sometimes because it still reaches your subconscious but you should at least know what you are listening to. i was disappointed in myself for not following through with the program that i really believed in, but i hoped that i would at least take away the ability to remain in control and focus. i finally made myself go to bed only to wake up a few hours later at 3:30am with what felt like crampy braxton hicks.

when the crampy braxton hicks continued even after i peed, i knew it was the beginning of my birth time. i felt excited but also anxious and realized i was already clenching up every time they came. i knew that i would have to start concentrating on breathing, relaxing, and opening now if i wanted to continue to do so when the birthing waves became more intense. without really putting myself into hypnosis, i started practicing some of the hypnobabies techniques and continued to do so throughout the rest of my labor. i went to the bathroom twice and had loose stools (maybe TMI but also another early birth time sign!). i ate a banana and went back to bed to listen to my hypnobabies birthing day affirmations on an old iphone. i downloaded a contraction counter app to start timing them as i listened. i fell half asleep, but my waves kept me from falling into my usual hynobabies induced deep sleep.

maria knocked on the door at 5:30am because haj forgot to move his car out of her way. when he came back to bed, i told him that i thought today was the day and that i couldn't sleep but he should. he couldn't sleep either so he got up to do the pile of dishes and tidy up the house. i texted ashley to give her a heads up that we would need her today, but no rush. at 6am, i texted amy to let her know i was in early labor, but my pressure waves weren't regular yet. they were coming every 4-9min and lasting 30sec-1min long. she told me to call when they started to get more regular or if my water broke. she also gave me instructions for the hibiclens wash i planned to do because i tested positive for GBS.

i raced around the house getting together last minute stuff. it was hard to think straight with my excitement, nerves, and birthing waves. i would run into one room and then forget what i went there for so haj ended up doing most of the prep. he added the mattress pad and extra sheet to the bed, brought in the already blown up birthing pool, washed towels, and entertained rain. i pooed at least 2 more times during this time and then took an extra long shower sometime around 7am. i leaned against the wall and closed my eyes through every wave to maintain my focus. they were definitely uncomfortable but completely bearable at this point. by the time i got out of the shower, my waves seemed to have slowed down and become less intense. i took my time to get ready and then ashley arrived sometime around 8am.

my contractions weren't picking up and i started to worry that i could be experiencing false labor. i was bummed. i didn't want to start completely over again another day! as we sat around the dining room table, i apologized to ashley telling her that it may not happen today. right after i said that, i got up to go to the bathroom and my water broke! warm fluid ran down my leg and soaked my pants. i waddled to the bathroom to clean up and make sure it was clear. i felt nervous because my waves became super intense after my water broke with rain.

i called amy almost immediately after it happened at 9am. i still hadn't done the hibiclens because i didn't think i was progressing so i asked if it was okay to do it now that my water broke. she gave me the go ahead. after i hung up, i went to the bathroom and spayed the peri bottle mixture inside me. i noticed my waves were stronger again and closer together. i could still talk through them but preferred not to. it took a lot more focus to get through them without clenching up. i grabbed my ipod, lay on my left side in bed, and put one earpiece in my right ear to listen to hypnobabies. i wasn't sure if i would want to listen to it during my birth time, but her voice was soothing and her words calmed me.

my midwife's assistant, linda (a retired ob nurse) arrived first around 9:30am and amy came shortly after. amy checked my vitals, listened to the baby (which she would continue to do every half hour and more often during pushing) and then prepped the room. i watched her set up a little area with a heating pad and towels in case the baby needed some extra help after birth. meeting my baby so soon suddenly seemed more imaginable and a warm feeling flooded through me. i felt ready. my waves continued to strengthen. by the time she was done, it was really hard to talk through them so i answered questions with a "mmmmhhmmmm" or just ignored whoever was talking.

at this point, around 10am, i had found my rhythm which allowed me to feel in control. i still hadn't moved from my left side on the edge of my bed and remained there for the next hour and a half or so. i lay there silently focusing on my breath, hearing bits and pieces of the hypnobabies tracks in my ear. as i felt a wave begin, i closed my eyes telling myself over and over again relax, relax your face, relax your body, relax your mind, peace, peace, breath, etc. sometimes i could hear the hypnobabies track and her words were helpful. other times i was too focused to listen. as they became more powerful, i started to tell myself through the peak of the wave it's only pressure and tightening let the baby come down, open, open, open. even though the sensation felt far more intense than just pressure, the mantra still helped by preventing me from becoming fearful of the pressure waves and giving me something to concentrate on. instead of resisting, i was able to convince myself to welcome and accept the waves. however, i could no longer keep my body completely limp. i was able to keep most of my upper body and face relaxed, but my toes and legs started to curl and flex during the peaks. i started to feel slightly nauseous, probably from the peanut butter toast i tried to eat a little earlier. amy put my puke bucket next to me, but i never had to use it. instead, i just hiccuped/burped off and on through most of my remaining pressure waves.

amy asked if i was ready to fill the tub. she asked a couple of times earlier, but i really wanted to wait until i was near pushing because i heard it could slow down the process and i wanted to save it as a relief  for when things felt too tough. i didn't think i was close to giving birth (amy didn't plan on checking my cervix unless it was something i wanted), but now the waves were so intense i was ready to try anything to take the edge off. (later, ashley told me that before amy asked to fill the tub, she heard her tell haj that she didn't think i would be having a water birth if we didn't start getting the pool ready soon!) i watched them fill the pool with water as i struggled to relax my body during the waves. i willed them with my mind to hurry. i wouldn't describe the waves as unbearable but i felt my focus beginning to unravel. with every wave, i was slowly losing control. since the contractions weren't unbearable, i thought i was only at the beginning and started to feel afraid that i was on my way to becoming the convulsing, flailing, puking, weeping mess i was with rain at 3cm. i just didn't want to lose the small amount of control i had left. so when the pool was full and amy asked me to get up to use the bathroom first, i didn't want to move. my waves were so strong that i couldn't/wouldn't move during and they were close enough together that every time i felt like i could get up, i would feel another one coming. finally, at the end of one, i said "now!" i hung from haj as he helped me to the toilet. as soon as i stood up, i thought i felt the baby move down or maybe it was the gravity giving me a sudden awareness of just how low the baby was. i felt this slight urge to poo and wondered how i was going to poo through waves. i knew that sensation could mean i was nearing the time to push, but i didn't think it was possible i was that close to pushing.

when i got to the toilet, waves came strong and fast. when i left the safe place on my bed, i lost my rhythm and the little control i had over my body along with it. i was no longer able to relax anything during the waves. i had flashbacks of laboring on the hospital toilet as i flung my body back through a pressure wave and then leaned forward on haj until the next one. amy really wanted me to pee, but i couldn't. i was starting to shake and feel desperate. i told haj i didn't think i could do it and in my mind, i scolded myself for trying to do it at home. why was i not at the hospital? what was i trying to prove? this was not worth it! i repeatedly told haj that it hurt so bad and i think that was the first time i said any word to do with pain out loud. i didn't want to say anything negative. i was trying to convince my mind/body that the sensations i felt weren't pain, but my waves had become unbearable and i didn't feel like there were any real breaks between them. i told haj that the pain never went away and i just couldn't go on. even though i heard amy say i was close, i assumed i was only at 3cm (when i got an epidural with rain). i had no idea i was in transition.

it was now obvious that i was not going to pee so amy asked if i was ready to get in the pool. i wanted to get in the pool, i just didn't want to get off the toilet. i didn't know how i could get off the toilet with my with my waves being so powerful and close together. somehow they heaved me off the toilet and into the pool around 11:30am. i hung over the edge and held onto haj. for the next half hour, the only word i was capable of saying was "no".  amy asked if it felt better to be in the pool. "NO!" haj put a washcloth on my face that had previously felt so good. "nooooo". amy asked me to turn slightly so that she could listen to the baby. "NO!" i think i only had a couple waves in the tub which seemed to be further apart than the ones in the bathroom until i started pushing. it didn't feel like a choice. i started to feel the urge during a wave and then it just happened with the next one. i think i did tell amy, "i'm pushing!"

i was still hanging over the edge but now i was floating with my body awkwardly twisted to the side. amy asked me to change positions. "nooo!." i had been silent through most of my waves and whined my way through transition. now i let out a primal "aaaaaahhhhhhh" with every wave/push. i remember thinking that they were too high pitched. ina may stressed that they should be low and deep to encourage opening but they were uncontrollable. i could feel the baby start to crown. pushing hurt but it was also really satisfying to push through the pain and feel the progress. after my next push, amy told me to feel my baby. "NO!". i now knew what was meant by the ring of fire, but i had assumed it was an instantaneous sensation and this fire didn't go away! amy told me to let the baby come and ease up on pushing. i knew she was trying to prevent me from tearing but i decided i would rather rip in half than endure the fire or another wave! so with the next contraction i ignored her and pushed with all my might and the baby's head slid out. amy told me to touch the baby's head and gently push it back with the next wave. i didn't want to move or touch anything in fear that the sensations i was feeling inside and outside my body would get worse so of course i gave her another short "no". but i did brush my fingers along the top of the baby's head. it felt so soft, mushy, and exhilarating. i pushed a shoulder out with the next push. after only about 15min of pushing, i felt the whole body slide out with my last push.

amy encouraged me to grab my baby, but i was frozen in shock. everything was so intense and then over so quickly. she scooped the baby up, i leaned back and she lay the baby on my chest. for the first few seconds i was in awe, trying to process my new reality. i was expecting to have more of an outward and immediate emotional response since i was now so familiar with the overwhelming love that comes with a child. but everything was so surreal. i just lay there holding her, taking her in. amy had to tell me to talk to and rub my baby! she let out a loud cry and pinked up right away. i could see the color creep over her skin. finally, i woke up enough from my daze to ask, "what is it!?" amy said "it's a girl!" i was shocked and thrilled. i told everyone and myself that i really didn't know what the sex was, but it was obvious by my surprise that i was expecting a boy.

amy and linda commented on how perfect and healthy she looked. she searched for my breast right away. as i nursed, i marveled over my new baby girl. she was this tiny human with a scrunched up face and huge lips swollen from her quick decent.  her big cheeks accentuated a little pointy chin. she had darker hair and to my surprise, was much chubbier than rain (8lbs, 7oz!). she even had a big chunk of fat folded at the back of her neck (later, i joked that i wanted to pick her up like a puppy!). if her eyes were closed, they formed one line from outer corner to outer corner completed by the crease of skin on her nose. as i looked into those puffy alert eyes, i felt sheer joy and gratitude.

i'm not a religious person. i would like to call myself spiritual but i'm ashamed to admit how little attention i've given that aspect of my life lately. i will say i definitely believe in a higher power and in that moment of bliss and several more throughout the past few weeks, all i could do was thank god and rejoice. i'm so thankful for my birthing experience, my healthy baby girl, my beautiful son and my amazing partner. there's so much love in my life. it's beyond me how i got so lucky. i certainly don't deserve it and truly feel blessed.

ruby bloom arrived, completing our family, on march 26th at 11:55am.