big brother

while i was pregnant, rain and i talked about what it would be like to have a baby around. we laughed together making funny faces and noises that a newborn would make. he knew that the baby would eat, sleep, poop, and maybe cry a lot.  i also made sure that he understood the baby would need me. sometimes i wouldn't be able to hold him when he wanted me to and sometimes i would need his help. even though rain seemed positive about having a sibling during my pregnancy, i was a little worried about how he would feel once the baby was actually here.

turns out, i had nothing to fear. he has been amazing. he is so sweet and gentle with her. he always asks to give her kisses and wants to touch and hold her. when she cries, he acts genuinely concerned and asks me to help her. he never gets upset when i have to interrupt story time or play time to attend to ruby's needs. sure he has his moments when he wants me to hold him and i can't but it never turns into a big thing.

this transition has been relatively easy mostly because of his dad. haj is a great dad. rain has always been his priority and he is so attentive and present with him. his work and our lifestyle have allowed him to be physically around more than most dads. since ruby's birth, haj has spent even more time with rain. he has solely taken over the activities we used to do together such as going to the park and beach or running errands. he has even taken him to work! it's no surprise that rain has become really attached to haj. he was becoming daddy's boy before ruby was born, but now he is daddy's boy. haj has been the only person rain's become possessive of. he doesn't want haj to hold ruby for very long and will tell him to give her to me, "she needs boob". when we explain to him that only one of us can help him with something because ruby needs us too, he always chooses daddy. choosing daddy for anything used to be a welcome relief for me. now that he chooses him every time, it hurts.

i think i've had a harder time adjusting than rain has. it feels like rain and my relationship changed over night. there's this distance between us now and it's kinda heartbreaking. he was quickly becoming more independent from me before ruby was born, but now suddenly he hardly needs me at all. i know i should be grateful that he doesn't need me to sing him to sleep and lets daddy put him to bed. but that kind of stuff kills me. i feel like there has been too many times already that i have had to choose ruby's needs over rain's and i can only hope that this new separation from me isn't some form of resentment. my greatest fear is that he feels less important to me. less loved. 

i know ruby's schedule will become more predictable and we will find balance over time.  in spite of my raging hormones, i'm trying not to feel guilty or take things too personally and just be thankful for how easily rain adapted to our new family dynamic.